#9 Dream

I recently learned the chorus of the song #9 Dream. "Ah! bowakawa pousse, pousse" is said to have come to John Lennon in a dream. According to May Pang who was with him when he wrote it, the phrase has no specific meaning. But in French, the word pousse can mean urged, pushed encouraged and grown.

Every escape route I chose to take had to do with creativity. I was lucky enough to recognize that the woods were one out of many open doors. Creativity was what gave me confidence. Glen Rock, New Jersey had one of the best school systems and I discovered my true power in the art and photography classes. That is what saved me. I was pushed and encouraged by my art teachers. They let us listen to music in the art rooms. The White Album was in heavy rotation as we painted murals on the walls. I eventually realized that John Lennon had more to offer me than my resemblance to him. His quick sense of humor, the funny faces he made and his righteous anger helped me identify and form a template of self-acceptance. Recalling the image of the Beatles having a pillow fight in their hotel room helped me to surrender my seriousness. Whenever I felt shy and fearful, the art rooms provided sanctuary. One day I discovered that people who didn't know me thought I was weird. I found this out by accident. My strangeness was the subject of a short exchange between two upperclassmen that took place as I was sitting in a stall in the double door girls room. They did not know I was there. When they were done talking, I flushed the toilet and exited the stall smiling, embarrassed to see them embarrassed by the things they had said about me.

The people who did know me were equally excited by the lessons in creativity, excelling in art, music and drama. Having located each other through common interests, we formed an art club. The musically inclined formed bands, practicing in family basements. Those with older brothers and sisters were lucky to have record albums passed down to them. Some of the most amazing music and art was emerging out of NYC. We caught it and immersed ourselves in it's beauty, long before it made it to the mainstream.

photograph ©Harry Benson

Dreaming John Lennon 1971 - 2010

Let us begin in the woods. My safety zone was a small stretch of land that had not yet been claimed by developers. An escape from the battlefield of my parents home front. Incoming! When voices were raised in anger, my internal warning system would blare. Bounding out the door, over the dead end side walk, moving towards a quieter location. The neighbors perceived all that lay beyond the cul-de-sac as nothing more than a scrappy, swampy waste land. They could not be bothered to explore it. I rarely invited company. The pack of children who lived on our street would never see or hear me cry. I did not want to be found and once I was deep in the forest my wish was to remain silent, to not startle the birds into flight.

One day after school, walking on the main trail, I heard branches crack. Looking up, I saw a girl accompanied by two boys on the path, coming my way. They were older and within seconds of them spotting me conspiratorial glances were exchanged. I anticipated a verbal hazing, but thought it best to stay on the path. Maybe a nod in passing would draw mercy. I was wrong. At the moment of intersection, the girl put her hands to her cheeks in mock-hysteria and screamed "it's John Lennon!" I was horrified. I did not nod, I did not look back. I just kept walking as they kept laughing.

John Lennon. Not what a 13 year old girl wants to hear. I could not bear to think that I looked like a man and a not so classically attractive one. It did not help that my hair had been cut short that summer after I got a mouthful of bubble gum stuck in it, or that I sported a pair of wire frame oval shaped glasses that topped a beak shaped nose. I later had my nose fixed at 18, egged on by the adults around me, who thought this particular alteration would increase my self confidence. It didn't, but that is another story.

photograph © Chirasak Tolertmongkol | Dreamstime.com

"Ah! b'wakawa pousse?, pousse?"

-John Lennon, #9 Dream

photograph © George Mayer | Dreamstime.com